An year long date

Year ends always makes me nostalgic. It is that time of the year when i finally stop and look back at what all i have been doing so far. This year, 2012, is the most special year of my life. I might not admit it but i wouldn't regret it living again and again for years to come. When i came to Hyderabad i was so damn sure that i am going to find the man with whom I'll spend the rest of my life. Isn't that the reason why i started this blog at the first place. "Single girl in a new city" i would like to say. And see, i asked for it and it happened. "Aur" happened.

When i met him "Time Traveller's Wife" zoomed into my head and I knew that it is the wife of this man that I am jealous of. The superior quality husband material just the kind Jane Austin would like to write about. Though I kept saying it in jest but to speak the truth, in reality as well "his car" was the reason why I choose him over others. A girl deserves her fair share of parties and long drives, doesn't she. It must be in one of these long drives that my body released the neuro-chemical Dopamine and my brain knew the kids with his DNA combined with mine will look soooo good, as "nub" might have liked to put it.

There are more than two people who have actually bet that our relation will not see a day more than 3 months and there were many more (all of them actually) who were actually rolling their eyes at the idea of me "any", the most over-excited, weird, curious, psycho, bored, moody and unpredictable creature, would agree to settle this early in her life (24 is fuckin' early). Actually I can't blame them much because even I always had the same doubts, but then he happened. I was so sure about him that long before we actually confessed our love (eh.. it is still a creepy / funny word) for each other, I told my then room-mate that this is the guy I am going to marry (Hritik Roshan style). On a side note, more I ponder over it more i find my life to be a collage of cliched expressions or is it just "aur" rubbing off on me.

When you paint a picture of a perfect prince charming, that's "aur" for you. He is loving, he wakes me up every morning and put me down to sleep each night, without fail. He is caring, even if I catch just a mere cold he gets me the whole sachet of tablets from the medical shop next door. He adores me, and even takes care of my periods, parlor schedules, food habits and hygiene. He makes sure that I brush my teeth twice a day. He protects me, he makes sure I don't stay in office late, don't drink with strangers and stop smoking everything including hookah. Anyone who knows me, ok let me correct that, anyone who would like to know me, will know that I am too independent of a girl for ALL THESE THINGS. And I was not looking for a prince charming but a CHUCK BASS for the heaven's sake who ill treats me. I had even prepared myself mentally for it. I don't like niceties. It like it nasty and wild, damn it.

Nevertheless, I would like to thank god that he had not given me what I wanted but what I needed. I dread even to imagine what my life would have been if I was given what I wished for. Dramatics aside, I love "aur". And if he were even an ounce less of all the above things then I would consider myself not to be loved enough. I am such a brat and he not only puts up with my eccentricities but even indulge in them at times. He is not conventional, that is what connected us i guess. He laughs, he lives life. He is one who is everyone's best friend and you can't dislike him even if you like ( Trust me people have tried that, myself included) He is too cute to stay away from. He is a too much of a sweetheart to remain angry with.  Sometimes you don't get what you had planned in life, sometimes you get even better.

"Aur" you are the color of my life, all bold, flowing carelessly on the canvas of moments making each image bright, amazing and special. Be mine, always.

Happy new year, Love.

Egregious

Sometimes I wonder why do i like shady places. A room with loads of smoke, poor lighting, abused butts lying ungracefully on the floor, blood, sickening smell of alcohol, dirt, cloths lying all over the place, few books with coffee marks, torn pages, pens with leaking ink, broken windows, tattered doors, air smelling of danger, ruthlessness, pity, sweat. A room where none of those coming from the worthy families would like to belong to. A room which speaks of long nights of indulgence in unlawful orgy, which screams of animal nature of the human behavior without the protection of its cape of righteousness. Some place where I would be really embarrassed to be, if somebody who knew me would get to know about it. But same place where I would feel alive with the sense of freedom of being, if I were alone.
Each one of us crave to do something "WRONG". Doing something against the law of society / constitution gives us a mental kick. We all.. no.. let me not include all of you to make my sins acceptable. I, yes I have this inherent desire to do shameful things, like to be the part of a orgy, to break traffic rules, to live the life of power, to kill someone. Why do i want to do that? Well, now there be those who would say these is something wrong in my head and i better consult a psychiatrist, I would respectfully try to enlighten them with the fact that you are an idiot of the highest order. And there will be others who would say that I want to do this because being "negative", in their language, is the easiest thing to do; to you my dear friend i would like to talk about the concept of gravity. Gravity tries to bring an object to the state of stability. It is the law of nature. So if I want to do something, if I am pulled towards something won't even that be the law of nature? That is my state of stability.
The ancients have worked over centuries to come up with the laws of society. Are they nuts, is that what I want to imply? Not at all my dear friend, ancients where very clever people. Cleverer than you and me at least. They knew that the future generations are gonna be confused because we would lack purpose. We are dumped with so much information that the real purpose of our existence is lost under the heaps of black ink. So, for those of us who are not able to figure out what to do, they gave us a set of rules to live by. A life code. It was something to refer to in case we are stuck somewhere in our path. A hint in a HOG. But they failed to realize that instead of referring to it as a direction, we would stop thinking altogether and accepted it as the life map itself. How would they have known that their bright children would become so lazy that they would prefer not to think but to follow what ever is been told to them. Because thinking my friend is certainly a herculean of a task.
When species on this earth wer born, all of them where given a definite nature. A dog is loyal, fox is cunning and humans can think. Humans meant to explore what other natures could be. They were given the virtue to be different. But we preferred straight lines, something which is easy to follow. Something that puts less stress on our brain. But we preferred to be like cattle. We agreed to be shepherd by a Shepherd.
Trust me we don't need to work on robots, because the yield of human breed that we have today isn't that what we are trying to achieve through robots any ways? We have a huge army of human machines who work without thinking, eat without thinking, compete without thinking because what they are going to choose is predefined by the marketeers. What they are going to learn is already worked upon by the big corporate. Who is going to live is already decided by the politicians. How you are going to live, what you are going to do is already been written. Yes, destiny exists for sure, no doubts about that. We are over flooded with entertainment, so much so that we don't have even a moment to think. They have already put a ban on our thinking. Who are these they anyways? It's us, you and me. We are blind generation. Who can't see the beauty of flowing water, who can't feel the warmth of snowflakes, who can't think the symphony of Beethovan. And just because I can't do any of that, I would tag the person who could do this, a stupid/ an outcast.
Yes, I like dark places with dirt, grit, disrespect, felony because there i see free will. Yes, it's dark. But it is some place where people are doing what they want to, they are not a part of propaganda. But, when I think deeper, I see even my darkness is getting corrupted now.

Shadows of shadows

While I was logging in into this account of mine, a sudden thought struck me. I am still using my very first alias as username and I still have my very first password intact for this particular account. When I first created this alias, I just needed some letters to fill the space. Even then I had promised myself that later someday I’ll sit and christen myself an alluring identity. But midst of all the haphazardness of pompous daily chores, years choose to move ahead without intimating me about their voyage through time. So much sand has slipped through hourglass now that my temporary alias has become more of me than me myself. I used this alias to be a guy once and I wrote a poem for one of my unknown muse. She liked it and I was content. I used this alias to be the part of magical world on internet; it helped me in being confident. It acted as an ailment to my shyness. It made me realize that I can be so much more than what I was, I am. I always used to see myself as a crazy scientist who has this secret laboratory where she is working on her Frankenstein. Beyond the boundaries of good or evil this was going to be her greatest works. The silver veil of mystery is the only shining evidence of its promised brilliance. Now to think of it, I can see that work taking shape, shape of a crass personality, my alias.

Did I talk about my password to you? I have changed several of them so far. But most of the time I just keep juggling with the same words. Mixing and matching them with spaces and caps. Exploiting the treacherousness of thesaurus to mold my character in the black pixels sprayed tactfully on the textboxes. Though they mean something different each time for everyone but they look alike always, as asterisk. The only one thing that you can be assured of is the numbers of characters. Though there have been a number of them in my case but the pattern always remained same. As if it always was a window to my alter ego on that page from history.

At times you read those blogs or may be those novels with thousands of pages just to find out that there wasn’t any story in those so verbosely written paragraphs. Then when you check your heart you are astonished to find that instead of disappointment for the lack of a story, there is a weightless happy feeling inside you same as you once experienced when you first got introduced to your share of ocean. May be at times you just don’t require a plot to write your story because your story just IS.