An year long date

Year ends always makes me nostalgic. It is that time of the year when i finally stop and look back at what all i have been doing so far. This year, 2012, is the most special year of my life. I might not admit it but i wouldn't regret it living again and again for years to come. When i came to Hyderabad i was so damn sure that i am going to find the man with whom I'll spend the rest of my life. Isn't that the reason why i started this blog at the first place. "Single girl in a new city" i would like to say. And see, i asked for it and it happened. "Aur" happened.

When i met him "Time Traveller's Wife" zoomed into my head and I knew that it is the wife of this man that I am jealous of. The superior quality husband material just the kind Jane Austin would like to write about. Though I kept saying it in jest but to speak the truth, in reality as well "his car" was the reason why I choose him over others. A girl deserves her fair share of parties and long drives, doesn't she. It must be in one of these long drives that my body released the neuro-chemical Dopamine and my brain knew the kids with his DNA combined with mine will look soooo good, as "nub" might have liked to put it.

There are more than two people who have actually bet that our relation will not see a day more than 3 months and there were many more (all of them actually) who were actually rolling their eyes at the idea of me "any", the most over-excited, weird, curious, psycho, bored, moody and unpredictable creature, would agree to settle this early in her life (24 is fuckin' early). Actually I can't blame them much because even I always had the same doubts, but then he happened. I was so sure about him that long before we actually confessed our love (eh.. it is still a creepy / funny word) for each other, I told my then room-mate that this is the guy I am going to marry (Hritik Roshan style). On a side note, more I ponder over it more i find my life to be a collage of cliched expressions or is it just "aur" rubbing off on me.

When you paint a picture of a perfect prince charming, that's "aur" for you. He is loving, he wakes me up every morning and put me down to sleep each night, without fail. He is caring, even if I catch just a mere cold he gets me the whole sachet of tablets from the medical shop next door. He adores me, and even takes care of my periods, parlor schedules, food habits and hygiene. He makes sure that I brush my teeth twice a day. He protects me, he makes sure I don't stay in office late, don't drink with strangers and stop smoking everything including hookah. Anyone who knows me, ok let me correct that, anyone who would like to know me, will know that I am too independent of a girl for ALL THESE THINGS. And I was not looking for a prince charming but a CHUCK BASS for the heaven's sake who ill treats me. I had even prepared myself mentally for it. I don't like niceties. It like it nasty and wild, damn it.

Nevertheless, I would like to thank god that he had not given me what I wanted but what I needed. I dread even to imagine what my life would have been if I was given what I wished for. Dramatics aside, I love "aur". And if he were even an ounce less of all the above things then I would consider myself not to be loved enough. I am such a brat and he not only puts up with my eccentricities but even indulge in them at times. He is not conventional, that is what connected us i guess. He laughs, he lives life. He is one who is everyone's best friend and you can't dislike him even if you like ( Trust me people have tried that, myself included) He is too cute to stay away from. He is a too much of a sweetheart to remain angry with.  Sometimes you don't get what you had planned in life, sometimes you get even better.

"Aur" you are the color of my life, all bold, flowing carelessly on the canvas of moments making each image bright, amazing and special. Be mine, always.

Happy new year, Love.

Egregious

Sometimes I wonder why do i like shady places. A room with loads of smoke, poor lighting, abused butts lying ungracefully on the floor, blood, sickening smell of alcohol, dirt, cloths lying all over the place, few books with coffee marks, torn pages, pens with leaking ink, broken windows, tattered doors, air smelling of danger, ruthlessness, pity, sweat. A room where none of those coming from the worthy families would like to belong to. A room which speaks of long nights of indulgence in unlawful orgy, which screams of animal nature of the human behavior without the protection of its cape of righteousness. Some place where I would be really embarrassed to be, if somebody who knew me would get to know about it. But same place where I would feel alive with the sense of freedom of being, if I were alone.
Each one of us crave to do something "WRONG". Doing something against the law of society / constitution gives us a mental kick. We all.. no.. let me not include all of you to make my sins acceptable. I, yes I have this inherent desire to do shameful things, like to be the part of a orgy, to break traffic rules, to live the life of power, to kill someone. Why do i want to do that? Well, now there be those who would say these is something wrong in my head and i better consult a psychiatrist, I would respectfully try to enlighten them with the fact that you are an idiot of the highest order. And there will be others who would say that I want to do this because being "negative", in their language, is the easiest thing to do; to you my dear friend i would like to talk about the concept of gravity. Gravity tries to bring an object to the state of stability. It is the law of nature. So if I want to do something, if I am pulled towards something won't even that be the law of nature? That is my state of stability.
The ancients have worked over centuries to come up with the laws of society. Are they nuts, is that what I want to imply? Not at all my dear friend, ancients where very clever people. Cleverer than you and me at least. They knew that the future generations are gonna be confused because we would lack purpose. We are dumped with so much information that the real purpose of our existence is lost under the heaps of black ink. So, for those of us who are not able to figure out what to do, they gave us a set of rules to live by. A life code. It was something to refer to in case we are stuck somewhere in our path. A hint in a HOG. But they failed to realize that instead of referring to it as a direction, we would stop thinking altogether and accepted it as the life map itself. How would they have known that their bright children would become so lazy that they would prefer not to think but to follow what ever is been told to them. Because thinking my friend is certainly a herculean of a task.
When species on this earth wer born, all of them where given a definite nature. A dog is loyal, fox is cunning and humans can think. Humans meant to explore what other natures could be. They were given the virtue to be different. But we preferred straight lines, something which is easy to follow. Something that puts less stress on our brain. But we preferred to be like cattle. We agreed to be shepherd by a Shepherd.
Trust me we don't need to work on robots, because the yield of human breed that we have today isn't that what we are trying to achieve through robots any ways? We have a huge army of human machines who work without thinking, eat without thinking, compete without thinking because what they are going to choose is predefined by the marketeers. What they are going to learn is already worked upon by the big corporate. Who is going to live is already decided by the politicians. How you are going to live, what you are going to do is already been written. Yes, destiny exists for sure, no doubts about that. We are over flooded with entertainment, so much so that we don't have even a moment to think. They have already put a ban on our thinking. Who are these they anyways? It's us, you and me. We are blind generation. Who can't see the beauty of flowing water, who can't feel the warmth of snowflakes, who can't think the symphony of Beethovan. And just because I can't do any of that, I would tag the person who could do this, a stupid/ an outcast.
Yes, I like dark places with dirt, grit, disrespect, felony because there i see free will. Yes, it's dark. But it is some place where people are doing what they want to, they are not a part of propaganda. But, when I think deeper, I see even my darkness is getting corrupted now.

Shadows of shadows

While I was logging in into this account of mine, a sudden thought struck me. I am still using my very first alias as username and I still have my very first password intact for this particular account. When I first created this alias, I just needed some letters to fill the space. Even then I had promised myself that later someday I’ll sit and christen myself an alluring identity. But midst of all the haphazardness of pompous daily chores, years choose to move ahead without intimating me about their voyage through time. So much sand has slipped through hourglass now that my temporary alias has become more of me than me myself. I used this alias to be a guy once and I wrote a poem for one of my unknown muse. She liked it and I was content. I used this alias to be the part of magical world on internet; it helped me in being confident. It acted as an ailment to my shyness. It made me realize that I can be so much more than what I was, I am. I always used to see myself as a crazy scientist who has this secret laboratory where she is working on her Frankenstein. Beyond the boundaries of good or evil this was going to be her greatest works. The silver veil of mystery is the only shining evidence of its promised brilliance. Now to think of it, I can see that work taking shape, shape of a crass personality, my alias.

Did I talk about my password to you? I have changed several of them so far. But most of the time I just keep juggling with the same words. Mixing and matching them with spaces and caps. Exploiting the treacherousness of thesaurus to mold my character in the black pixels sprayed tactfully on the textboxes. Though they mean something different each time for everyone but they look alike always, as asterisk. The only one thing that you can be assured of is the numbers of characters. Though there have been a number of them in my case but the pattern always remained same. As if it always was a window to my alter ego on that page from history.

At times you read those blogs or may be those novels with thousands of pages just to find out that there wasn’t any story in those so verbosely written paragraphs. Then when you check your heart you are astonished to find that instead of disappointment for the lack of a story, there is a weightless happy feeling inside you same as you once experienced when you first got introduced to your share of ocean. May be at times you just don’t require a plot to write your story because your story just IS.

The science of politics

And then there are times when you have an agenda on your mind, Things to be discussed which can change the course of your life, Decision to be made which will decide whether your name will be part of history or not. You know it is important, you know it can make or break you. You know this is to be discussed in depth and detail, you need to plan intelligently and execute it with finesse. You call up that one person who will act as your adviser, the king maker and then he tells you " I'll call you in some time, I m having a bad tooth ache. Thak"

Grrr... Yea everyone has a storm in their Tea cup. World is not about just one person. Yes, I am telling you world is not about you, because it is not about me either. sh!t!
I having this little trouble in office, they say when in playground you should not mess with the big boys but I guess I did the same. I stepped on my bosses foot, too many times and this time a little too hard. Why would I do that?
1. I don't like bullies
2. I work (duh)
3. I messed up (Jezz, Isn't it obvious)


So, now I am in a bad situation and he is taking all advantage of his position. And in nub's terminology, in an organization, one who earns more is always right. (ouch!)
Yes, he is my boss that gives him authority by the virtue of his position, but i sat down and did a research (basically observed and conclude, I am too lazy to do an actual, hardcore research). I found out that he gets authority because of following reasons:
1. He keeps making fun of people. For sure people also laugh at him behind his back but he keep insulting people in front of everyone. And obviously if one doesn't want to be laughed at publicly, laughing with him makes more sense.
2. Currently he is the senior most person in the company, so nobody can do much any way right.
3. He KNOWS stuff. Yes, you also face problem when your boss is not an idiot.( What do one do in such a situation #iwonder)

What was it that i did??
Well he was playing it smart with me, I played his trick back at him. And yea, nobody wants that they should be pointed out when they are at fault. So now I am that spoilt brat who should be taught a lesson.

Now what choice do i have?
1. Play it cool, normalize things and pretend it never happened. (As always, but somehow I don't think it will work this time)
2. Safeguard my position internally, make internal friends. This can be done, but all i have internally are weaklings. They can easily get influenced by power.
3.I should start playing politics with him. I always wanted to be a politician, all I need to do is horn my skills a bit. Though no doubts that he is a better politician than I but if nothing else I'll get lock horns will someone worthy. (lol, over confident)

If it were a comic book then i would have sketched myself as a brave female in salwaar-kammez who is holding her pen as sword and have revenge in her eyes. (But trust me as it would be a comic book next scene would have been my boss hitting me with a small piece of stone and laughing away to glory with his goons)

(The weapon to achieve anything is discipline, Does anyone knows any self help book on discipline??? )

Who will be a Millionaire? - "Kaun Banega Crorepati?"

Making money is easy, trust me. All you have to do is make up your mind about it. Today I stumble upon a list of young entrepreneurs who starting owning a 1 million $ company before turning 21. I showed the link to "nub" and told him, this is something I want to do. And he says, everyone wants to do something like this. Yes, everyone wants to do something like this, but I'll do it. I knew blogging / internet has brought a complete revolution with itself. I read about Dooce.com and I got super kicked about it. Naah, I am not after money... all i want is that adrenaline rush which each of these young-rich people enjoy everyday. "nub" says you are only as good as you think you are. And if that's true... then I know.. am pretty good. There is a guy in my office "rpa". He has recently started his own blog. He is super kicked about technology and he has started a Mashable kind of blog. Generally he doesn't have much work in office but after this blog, he certainly have find a "nirvana" for himself. He is happy, even through there are no readers on his blog yet, but I know he is gonna make a difference nevertheless.

I always had a theory, that I would write only for myself, but inside I know, I used to get this mental kick about writing when "aur" used to tell me that he has read my recent blog. And how egarly he used to wait for each of them. I know he had his own mean reasons for waiting though. He wanted to know what I feel about him and he knew I am penning it down somewhere. Every time I used to tell him that I wrote a blog, he would definitely used to tell himself that may be this blog is about him. But no i don't do predictable things. i don't do then in sync either. You might say, this is the reason that i haven't made big in life yet, I loose focus, but then, Chaos is my USP!! :)

Even now the most logical blog entry would have been about my love story (Yes, that is where i was busy for all these days and didn't write anything) but I guess I am more of wild kind than mushy. "I would rather wait a little longer to make the longing stronger"

Trust me these are signs, yes, I do remain kicked about random stuff pretty often... but when something is about to happen in my life, there is always a unconscious build up to it. Like how I started "The Hyderabad Blues" without knowing that it might actually become the story of "How a single girl in a unknown city, got lucky, got wild"!

Big God, Small God

I am writing a post after 48 days. This is not exactly what i had planned for Hyderabad. I thought, I am coming to a new city, and as of now I almost done with my education, therefore I can actually spend my time in doing things which I planned to do. This happened because I miscalculated the proceedings of my life. I planned my life keeping in myself in mind. But some time in the middle of my excursion called life, I fell in love. DAMN!!
I won't lie, since the very first post of this blog I was hinting towards a love life. A single girl in a big city is almost a myth. A the status of a girl being single means either
1. She is just out of a relation
2. Or something is brewing just round the corner.

So the status of "single" is never applicable on a girl. Social Networks can easily restrict it to "It's Complicated" and can save some memory space for themselves on cloud :P
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Bade Ganpati, Chote Ganpati
"Aur" said I always write a post about myself. It's always Me, me, ME... so he wanted me to write a blog where I am no where int he picture, there is just my lingering thoughts. I don't think I am even trying to do that, and if I am, then I am failing miserably at it.

"Ganpati Puja" is a big occasion in Hyderabad. "Aur" told me once while we were crossing Khairatabad cross-section that, it's Hyderabad not Mumbai where you'll find the biggest Ganpati in India. Since that time I was pretty curious about all the Ho-Hallah related to Ganpati Puja here.

(I don't think i'll ever finish it, and because of which it might always stay in drafts, so I am posting it incomplete)

But I do want to mention one incident because of which I wanted to write this post at the first place. "Aur" took me Khairatabad to show me the largest Ganpati of Hyderabad. The place was crazy. The usual Indian mela where everyone was to see the power idol. The idol was really huge, so much so that it took three people just to have the garland around it. Obviously even the mala was huge.

The place was grand.

There was traffic all over. The whole street was shining with celebration. Midst this all there was a couple who was sleeping right in the middle of the foot path of the busiest street of Hyderabad at that time. There was chaos, people were honking like crazy, everyone wanted their share of blessing but that couple was unaware of all the mess that was surrounding them. They somehow knew world is going to remain same even the next, with or with out the blessings, they were just celebrating their peaceful sleep for this while.

Where a big God was handling the mess that he had created, there was small god who was watching over the two innocent souls while the whole world was moving without giving a damn about them.

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This blog was in draft for a while now. So today, just out of curiosity I visited Amitabh Bacchan's blog. There I found that he has been writing regularly on his blog for past 3 years now. And I was amazed. A man of such high reputation along with his ailments as well as busy daily schedule is able to write down for himself and for people who loves him, the daily details and nitty-gritty of his life. I, on the other hand, who always wanted to document every moment of my life, is not able to give to herself? And the best part being, you can always give excuses to others but you can never give an excuse to yourself because inside you now, you are trying to fool yourself. Some days ago, "Aur" asked me, am i writing anything about our story? And I said "no". Damn, the best moments of my life are happening right now, If I would tried then I could have written every feeling of mine in detail. but somehow as usual I conveniently let the flow my life to guide. Not any more!! (Not any more - is becoming a too casual a cliche for me- am scared1)

At all the wrong places!

I wonder how, i wonder why, I find myself in the middle of self created stupidity now and then. So, to take a break from all the mess that I had created in office/ in life (Details are coming, hold on)... i thought of taking a break. No the situation is not as shitty as it sounds but it is shitty nevertheless. I haven't eaten anything called as food since morning, all i am having is junk just to cheer me up, which is not happening. Y? because I MISSED MY FLIGHT today! ( Yea, i know it's not a big deal, but i have never even missed a train till date, let alone flight damned!) I am stupid. But that is not all, I guess I am building up on mess in my life, since mid of july.

Here are the updates as of now,
a. I was supposedly a "lakhpatti" at the starting of this month, now all that is left in my account is "wanna hea ran" (This is auto-encrypted amount which is left in my bank as of now. Auto-encryption, woah, This is cool shit.) See, spending money is Okay. Isn't that why we all earn in the first place. But it becomes dreadful when you don't even know where it all went? I am stUpid.
b. I am treating my friends like shit. I don't even deserve such nice people in my life anyways. Or whatever is left of them as of now. Sigh. I don't think they are interested in talking to me any more. I deserve it it because I know i have screwed up things really bad. Thank you God for giving me nice friends but those are nice people, make me a little bit caring no. Just for their sake? I am stUpid.
c. My bad boss is behaving good, too sweet actually. One thing which is totally wrong with me is, I can handle difficult stuff, what I can't handle is sweetness. It scares me. Goodness in people is really fragile and i keep fearing what if i break it? And in my nervousness, i usually manage to break the same. doh! I am stUpid.
d. I think i have tonsils. And I guess, i should die. Earth have a right to breathe easy ain't it? I don't have time to go Doctor. i don't have time to go for my scooty's registration (BTW I bought my first ever vehicle, Wishes accepted
:p, but being me means all good things goes for a toss. On all the supposedly happy/big days of my life makes me sad because of no reason and I cry.) I am stUpid!
e. It is my mom's B'day, and except a silly b'day wish, I haven't done anything for her. Though I did manage to make her stop talking to me due to this stupid trip. I take my parents too much for granted. My theory goes like, after all they are my parents, they don't have much option. Yea, i am a bitch. I need to work on myself. I should join Osho. My only chance to dedicate myself to sinful Nirvana. Again myself, why can't i think about any one else? I am stUpid!
f. O yea, about shit in personal life. I am telling you, read MB's, dream about romantic love stories, love all the exotic men you can think about, but please, for heaven's sake, DON'T FALL IN LOVE. Especially if you are a girl, stop thinking about it right now. I mean, Love is crazy ok, being a girl you have these many plans about your perfect love story, but when it actually happens, a lot of silly questions start popping into your head, like Is it the right thing to do? Is it happening too fast? Am i doing the right thing? I want it to happen, but what if it is not right? Yuck, I was happy single, checking out every other guy, now i don't think about anything else. This is scary. And i guess this is the main reason that my stupidity level has been increased by leaps and bounds. Most irritating are such stupid questions like, if i do this will i give him the wrong hint. if i don't do this i might him. AAAAAAAAAGGGRRRHHHH I AM STuPID!

I guess the best thing to do right now is to opt for "solitary confinement". Switch off my cell phone. Stay away from Social Networks. All I need right now is a strong dose of Nora Roberts! I am quitting my life, I'll live like "Puns" for next one month. Sleep at 10, get up at 5:30 and do meditation. Kill me no.

P.S. The Score as of now is Universe 2, Any 0. How do i add silly tragic sound here.. I am stUpid! ( No, I am not endorsing for Diesel)